John-117
s.]] The Master Chief (Colonel Sanders) is the the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalpyse, also known as Death, and is the harbinger of doom for all that refuse to acknowledge his badassness. He is the ex pupil best friend of God, and has slaughtered billions of innocent Grunts, but only a comparitive few Elites. He is currently on trial for warcrimes against the Covenant people. He is either one of two people: Chuck Norris or Mr. T. Legends hold that in the end times, he shall lead the forces of evil against the forces of Badass in the final titanic struggle. Childhood Born on Earth, and raised by Mr T, John had a very traumatic upbringing in "da hood." Running away from home at an early age, he was soon kidnapped by social deviants, who lured him to their evil hiding-place with a shiny coin. He was then indoctrinated into the ways of "badass", before being set loose upon an unsuspecting universe. Legends say that he can kill by merely looking you in the eyes. Actually, people are normally already dead, on account of the Law of "I Has Teh Weapon Zorz," which states that the number of dead surrounding the Chief is proportional to the level of pent up sexual frustration inside of him. Some s**t he did Augmentation Captured by the UNSC at the age of six, he was again indoctrinated into the ways of "Killer Cyborg," and sent to Some Planet where he met other victims of the "Badass" Program. They agreed that this place was more comfortable than the spike beds and Priests that filled their old homes, and decided to stay. NOTE: he was superman periodically. The Chief and co. were changed by doctors, so that they could wear super badass armor. The strain killed some. nobody cared. Then, the Chief led some dudes to kill some other dudes. The other dudes were killed, and the Chief consumed their brains, stealing their unique powers, realising that he was the evolutionary apex of humanity. The UNSC saw through the ruse, and realised that the experiment had failed, and sent Jesus to kill him. The two were evenly matched, and though John swore vengeance Johnson dragged him kicking and screaming like a baby. Because that's how he rolls. When the Covenant attacked, the UNSC realised they would get pwn3d like N00Bz, and pulled John out of his psychiatric ward, gave him a rifle, and sent him against the xenophobic aliens. Though he slaughtered billions, he realised that a suit of armor would improve his "Badass" powers, and stole one from Chillout Setee IV. Wearing it for the first time, he had an epiphany, realising that he was the reincarnation of Death, the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse. The other Spartans agreed to follow him in battle against anyone and everything that refused to bow down before him, becoming the Imperial Stormtroopers of the Master Chief. Cortana He has a girl who lives in his head, who constantly tries to seduce him with her wily female charms. This constant source of frustration has given the Chief psychic powers, allowing him to constantly "respawn" after dying, mod, lift Grunts in the air with his thoughts, and check Miranda Keyes out from thirty miles away with his super x-ray vision. Cortana is actually made from the woman he sees as his "mother," making for a Freudian nightmare. Halo Chased down by the Covenant for his warcrimes, he abandoned his followers to their fate, stowing away on a random ship. When it arrived at Halo, John descended as a fiery angel to the ringworld, slaughtering billions more Grunts and leaving a fiery trail in his wake. God followed him, and the two actually teemed up together to take over Halo, killing the Covenant until there were really few left. AIDS Sadly, the forces of righteousness were slaughtered by a massive outbreak of AIDS, leaving the Chief and Avery Johnson the only human survivors. They blew up the ring, and the Chief threw God into the blast, assuming him dead, and took off for the nearest Starbucks. A dude called the Arbiter was disgraced because of his stupidity. Delta Halo John's holy crusade against the Covenant led him back to Earth, where he proceeded to pwn N00Bs. They fled before his wrath, but not before God turned up again, trying to stop John's slaughter of innocent Marines. John followed the Covenant through space and time to Delta Halo, executing the Prophet of Regret for being an infidel. he was thrown into the sea, and had a nice swim before being kidnapped (yet again) by a Super AIDS Cell. He met with the dude nobody cares about, and were talked at by a belligerent plant thing before being teleported somewhere. Defying all logic, John was sent to an alien city, while the incompetent got to save the galaxy. God teamed up with the Arbiter to stop Tartar Sauce from killing lots of people. John left Cortana behind because she was being whiny, and followed the Prophet of Truth to Earth on a space ship. He had a fun ride. The Ark The ship's crew, after playing a prolonged and bloody game of hide-and-die, eventually kicked John off, and he descended to Earth leaving a fiery wake, crashing in some jungles. God rescued him, but then the Arbiter turned up. They relieved their agressions on each other, engaging in a titanic dual that destroyed the universe many times over...then agreed to kill the Covenant first, and John reversed time. They fought some dudes, and some other dudes, as well as some flying dudes and hairy dudes, as well as some undead dudes, before arriving at the Hula Hoop Maker, leaving a bloody trail of corpses behind them. Instead of doing the sensible thing, and trap the Flood until they could destroy it for good, they blew up a new Hula Hoop, killed some allied dudes, and fled like the little babies they were. Lost In Space The Arbiter ditched teh Chief zorz, and got to Earth. John hung around in space for a while, in the other half of the ship, until he decided to go nap time. Cortana got upset, and tried to confess her love for him, but he didn't care. We are eagerly awaiting the results of his hibernation. The s****y sister ship of In Homers Food is seen drifting to the fan club of Marathon. War Crimes The Master Chief has slaughtered billions upon billions of Covenant,99%percent of them Grunts, and commited countless attrocities in his genocidal quest to conquer the universe. True, most of the deaths were Grunts, and there's like a bazillion of them, but That's Beside The Point. In Absentia, he is under trial by the Grunt people for war crimes, and the likely sentence is a kick in the pants. Emissaries from Earth argue that, well, it was a war, and technically the Grunts were the Bad Guys. The Grunts argue that That's Beside The Point. However, due to the fact that it was because countless billions of people died to the Covenant, and that he was only defending Humanity, and himself, the Covenant shall be destroyed. The Prophets also argue that his actions led to the infection of millions of their number, and their extinction, but nobody gives a damn about that either. Armageddon With the Master Chief's tremendous power, it is obvious that he will not be content to lay dormant for long. This has been held up as evidence that Judgement Day is near, and many eagerly prepare for his coming. It is prophesied that Johnson shall raise up an army in the name of badass, and oppose him, yea, even returning from death to smite his hated enemy. His dormancy is from the cryo because even HE cannot survive space! He will "fill their bodies full of lead, and give them a pool of their own pool to drown in!" Am I right Marines?! Hobbies Despite being trained in the art of Badass since he was old enough to hold a combat knife, the Master Chief is surprisingly partial to gourmet cooking (And is also called Master Chef for his cooking and stuff) prefers to, and has participated in numerous competitions around the world. He is qualified as a five-star chef, and he effectively combines his battle prowess with his chef skills by presenting Grunt Brains marinated in the bodily fluids of Jackals and Brutes, with a sprinkling of powdered Drones as a garnish. Despite the appetising nature, few appreciate the dish, and the Master Chief kills anyone who so much as looks at it funny. At his feast, Pete Stacker said; "I heard you JUST TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!" to the ChickenJackal Meal. Armor The Master Chief wears a smelly armor (Yeah... He has worn it for centuries...) known as the Mark VI. The Mark VI is actually named after a lottery game in Hong Kong, the Mark Six, as the armor provides the function of buying Mark Six. *Marines' opinion to the Mark Six: *Marine 1: Look, Mark Six! *Marine 2: Yeah, which numbers ya gonna buy? {The Marine on the right armor (Note: Mark Six is NOT in Halo: Combat Evolved and that quote is not in Halo 2} * Marine: Look a Mark Five! * Marine 2: Huh?! Why does the stupid A.I say that even in 343 Guilty Spark? Man, those...Those things... And you're just happily shiting away! Did You Know? *"Master Chief" is an anagram of [[Jesus Christ]] *Master Chief is a frequent editor on Gruntipedia *Ironically, Master Chief sucks at Halo. *Master Chief can has Recon. *Master Chief owns every season of Seinfeld *Master Chief hates Cartoons. *Master Chief once played Call of Duty 4 and invented the retarded run. *Master Chief didn't participate in the war of pants. Category:Characters Category:Tall people Category:People who can Kill Master Chief Category:spartans Category:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse